A Proposal

My mind is realing.

I haven't had much sleep recently with the emotional mess that is my life, I went to bed last night, well this morning at about 2:30 am MDT and was woken up 2 hours later by a dear friend from back in the day. I respect him too much to put his name in this post, for the record we'll call him Roulette.

I was woken up after two hours of sleep by Roulette looking for "The Good Witches of Tooele."

What kind of guy drops by at 4:30 AM you ask?

One that knows time has no meaning when you need a friend. He's been around for a good 15 years of my life. He took shirtless pictures of me in High School, we skipped class together and always had something special, partying every once in a while but for the most part we were each others "down time." He was always... special loved music, loved people but very shy with his own ability to express. I was always the irreverent one, the city girl thrust on a small town. I made the most of it, I drank and occasionally smoked M.J. (like any self respecting HighSchool student) for me it was all casual. At school I was "The girl that was never there" socially if you hadn't seen my titties at least once then obviously we hadn't had the chance to meet. At parties I kissed everyone (Yes Guys and Girls Both). I had a good time and Roulette was there for most of it. As a FRIEND. We never dated. We'll talk about my then love life in later flashbacks I'm sure.

Off and on over the years he has shown up as our orbits crossed paths and we have always been able to pick up right where we left off. There was the occasional flirting or a kiss, but I'm just that way.

The last time was a long all-niter on the patio which involved Mary Jane, a lot of tobacco and a hit of cheap rum. It was lovingly referred to by the six of us who were there as a "Drop Out Class Reunion." We spent the night talking about Roulette's marriage, he had a brand new daughter who we will cal Luna for the record and his wife... I find it hard giving her an alias >.< but we'll call her Janet (Since I won't be talking about her much or often)... Then his marriage was falling apart.

Tonight... This morning really... It's been two years since I last talked to him... I knew he needed me or he wouldn't have dropped by, so I hugged him and sat with him in the living room and we talked about nothing important (Mostly my plans for world domination) for at least an hour. Then I plead exhaustion and we stepped out on the patio so he could finish his beer and have one last cigarette.. I should insert that Janet has since left him to crash with a pot-head twice her age somewhere in Wyoming.

We get outside and he takes my hand as the sun is coming up over the mountains, goes down on one knee.. My heart stopped.

Yeah... so apparently I'm "the Bee's Knee's, the Cat's Meow" and he says he has loved me since he first met me, he was a friend of my brothers first, he said that he would ask anyone's permission jump through any hoops and follow me from this life to the next if I would marry him..

I have been in that position before. Not with Roulette, another musician, another life on a midnight walk through a park in the middle of winter I broke his heart. That was just before I moved to Utah. This morning looking into Roulette's brown eyes kneeling before me, I remembered saying "Its just infatuation you'll get over it" I couldn't do that again.

He's not in a good place, He's only just getting over the epic fail of his marriage 2 years ago. I think he wants the security of marriage. But he said that he has always loved me.

I just didn't want to answer him without knowing his mental state, the alcohol softened my answer. I told him to sober up and I would give him an honest answer that I couldn't promise yes or no. He said he would come by next Saturday, sober as a judge, I don't think that'll happen.

Help? Advise?