I don't like thinking of myself as mopey. Even worse is the way I think of others who dwell only on the negative. But I promised myself that this Blog would be an exorcise in honesty, with the world and also with myself. Searching for catharsis as I rediscover my Voice.
I am currently in a state that I haven't been in since I was an adolescent. And no its not PMS, its not "just being a girl" or trying to be dramatic.
Once upon a time I battled with Cutting, it was never a cry for attention the way a lot of little goth girls do who flash the shallow scratches on their wrists. I went out of my way to hide it, cutting my thighs, hips and in winter when sleeves could hide it, tiny notches in my wrists. As with most examples I stopped as my life became more fulfilling, just about the time I started college.
A significant amount of time later, an adult. Recent changes in my life are driving me back into the well, where I want to isolate myself, bursts of irrational thought and reaction to things are driving me into depression, not clinical, just a hard time mentally and as I sit crying and unable to make sense of my own worth.
I feel empty and ignored. Like furniture and completely of no importance to the world. Its an aching void in my chest that I just lack the ability to voice. My words are cut off in my throat and I am overwhelmed.
I want that relief that comes with the gentle swell of blood. That feeling that I can't put to words is released. Not because I don't want my life, because I want to let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment