A Proposal

My mind is realing.

I haven't had much sleep recently with the emotional mess that is my life, I went to bed last night, well this morning at about 2:30 am MDT and was woken up 2 hours later by a dear friend from back in the day. I respect him too much to put his name in this post, for the record we'll call him Roulette.

I was woken up after two hours of sleep by Roulette looking for "The Good Witches of Tooele."

What kind of guy drops by at 4:30 AM you ask?

One that knows time has no meaning when you need a friend. He's been around for a good 15 years of my life. He took shirtless pictures of me in High School, we skipped class together and always had something special, partying every once in a while but for the most part we were each others "down time." He was always... special loved music, loved people but very shy with his own ability to express. I was always the irreverent one, the city girl thrust on a small town. I made the most of it, I drank and occasionally smoked M.J. (like any self respecting HighSchool student) for me it was all casual. At school I was "The girl that was never there" socially if you hadn't seen my titties at least once then obviously we hadn't had the chance to meet. At parties I kissed everyone (Yes Guys and Girls Both). I had a good time and Roulette was there for most of it. As a FRIEND. We never dated. We'll talk about my then love life in later flashbacks I'm sure.

Off and on over the years he has shown up as our orbits crossed paths and we have always been able to pick up right where we left off. There was the occasional flirting or a kiss, but I'm just that way.

The last time was a long all-niter on the patio which involved Mary Jane, a lot of tobacco and a hit of cheap rum. It was lovingly referred to by the six of us who were there as a "Drop Out Class Reunion." We spent the night talking about Roulette's marriage, he had a brand new daughter who we will cal Luna for the record and his wife... I find it hard giving her an alias >.< but we'll call her Janet (Since I won't be talking about her much or often)... Then his marriage was falling apart.

Tonight... This morning really... It's been two years since I last talked to him... I knew he needed me or he wouldn't have dropped by, so I hugged him and sat with him in the living room and we talked about nothing important (Mostly my plans for world domination) for at least an hour. Then I plead exhaustion and we stepped out on the patio so he could finish his beer and have one last cigarette.. I should insert that Janet has since left him to crash with a pot-head twice her age somewhere in Wyoming.

We get outside and he takes my hand as the sun is coming up over the mountains, goes down on one knee.. My heart stopped.

Yeah... so apparently I'm "the Bee's Knee's, the Cat's Meow" and he says he has loved me since he first met me, he was a friend of my brothers first, he said that he would ask anyone's permission jump through any hoops and follow me from this life to the next if I would marry him..

I have been in that position before. Not with Roulette, another musician, another life on a midnight walk through a park in the middle of winter I broke his heart. That was just before I moved to Utah. This morning looking into Roulette's brown eyes kneeling before me, I remembered saying "Its just infatuation you'll get over it" I couldn't do that again.

He's not in a good place, He's only just getting over the epic fail of his marriage 2 years ago. I think he wants the security of marriage. But he said that he has always loved me.

I just didn't want to answer him without knowing his mental state, the alcohol softened my answer. I told him to sober up and I would give him an honest answer that I couldn't promise yes or no. He said he would come by next Saturday, sober as a judge, I don't think that'll happen.

Help? Advise?

A New Low

I don't like thinking of myself as mopey. Even worse is the way I think of others who dwell only on the negative. But I promised myself that this Blog would be an exorcise in honesty, with the world and also with myself. Searching for catharsis as I rediscover my Voice.

I am currently in a state that I haven't been in since I was an adolescent. And no its not PMS, its not "just being a girl" or trying to be dramatic.

Once upon a time I battled with Cutting, it was never a cry for attention the way a lot of little goth girls do who flash the shallow scratches on their wrists. I went out of my way to hide it, cutting my thighs, hips and in winter when sleeves could hide it, tiny notches in my wrists. As with most examples I stopped as my life became more fulfilling, just about the time I started college.

A significant amount of time later, an adult. Recent changes in my life are driving me back into the well, where I want to isolate myself, bursts of irrational thought and reaction to things are driving me into depression, not clinical, just a hard time mentally and as I sit crying and unable to make sense of my own worth.

I feel empty and ignored. Like furniture and completely of no importance to the world. Its an aching void in my chest that I just lack the ability to voice. My words are cut off in my throat and I am overwhelmed.

I want that relief that comes with the gentle swell of blood. That feeling that I can't put to words is released. Not because I don't want my life, because I want to let go.

Starting Out

This is going to be my lazy Blog. I have no set goals on when or how much I'll write. You will notice I didn't explain what I'm doing in the description, that's because this is an adventure.

I am searching for my Muse in my own way and in my own time.

I don't think they are limited to the Nine of Ancient Myth, yet I also don't think that everyone gets one, so I am prepared to work.

This particular Blog is all of my trials, all of my goals in a Year Round effort to be a better writer. Sometimes I'll share something personal, sometimes I'll post research snippets, sometimes I'll post tips.

Working towards publication and NaNoWriMo.

I would like to know that I am being read so please post comments, no Flames, and Troll posts will be deleted. Please don't site the Bible at me. I have read it and this is not the right venue for my awesome arguments.